a "work" in progress: theatre of the living - 1

H: Hannah

H2: Holly

A: Alex

Act I, Scene I (ha ha ha)

At a sports bar after a day of work at the office.

H: Ima go smoke a cigarette. Anyone care to join me?

A: Cigarettes kill. Let’s go. You got one for me?

H: (emphatically) Always. Holly, you want one?

A: You are just way too anxious to poison me with your cancerous little beauties…that’s what you called them, right? Your little beauties?

H: Yeah. It’s all a part of my evil plan to kill you slowly, one puff at a time, so that no one can ever finger me for it.

A: Finger you?

H: Not in public. I don’t wanna make the wait staff jealous.

A: You’re crazy.

H: (with hyperbolic bravado) Crazy for Camels!

(all laugh)

H2: Oh my god, my lungs are gonna hate me for this.

H: Fuck your lungs. Who needs ‘em? Breathing is totally overrated, love kitten.

H2: (laughs) Okay, you’re right sugar buns.

H: I’m always right. Isn’t that right, Alex?!

A: *cough* *cough*

H: Shut the fuck up. (Jokingly defensive) You know I only have a tiny bit of a smokers’ cough. That little cough is just something I do like how some people bite their nails. It’s just a thing. And don’t lie, I know it turns you on.

A: Oh yeah. I love those nicotine-stained old broads who wreak of cigarettes…

H : And hack up phlegm wads. It’s like the ultimate cum.

A: (laughing, feigning incredulity) Phlegm wads! You’re nasty. Oh yeah. It’s like, emphysema! Fuck yeah bitch…I’ll make you cough. I’ll make you cough like you’ve never coughed before. I’ll make you cough till your eyes pop outta your skull.

H: Oh shut the fuck up and smoke your goddamn cigarette. I know you prefer those old lady 100’s, but these will have to do for now.

H2: Oh my god you guys, these Camels are intense. (pauses, takes a drag of her cigarette) John doesn’t smoke. He hates smoking. He thinks it’s disgusting. Well fuck him. I think he’s disgusting. God. I can’t even stand to look at him. He makes me wanna throw up. Seriously.

H: Don’t you have asthma? And when are you gonna break up with that dude?

H2: Well, just a little. But I always carry my inhaler, so I’ll be fine. And, I’ll break up with him sometime soonish. I just need some time to figure it out. I mean, we’ve been together for three years.

A: (To Holly) You look pretty natural sucking on that cancer stick. You must have had some practice.

H2: Oh I have had lots of practice…

H: Sucking on sticks?

H2: Oh yeah. I’m a pro.

A: I dunno if I believe you. I think I need to see some proof. Care to demonstrate?

H: Yeah Hol, wanna tag team?

H2: Sure. Some hot H-squared action cum’in…that’s c-u-m-i-n-g… right up! Hannah, …

A: Oh god.

H: Oh yeah. I’ve been known to have multiple phlegm wads. (all laugh) Yeah, but seriously though. I dunno. Penises are kinda weird, don’t you think? Like weird little alien creatures…

H2: Yeah, little alien monsters…

H: Speaking of the little devils, one time I ran into this drunk homeless dude outside of the Hard Times…

A: Hard Times?

H: It’s this fabulously dingy restaurant-coffee shop type place on Cedar and Riverside, I think.

H2: Where?

H: Oh I forgot. You’re from Fargo. It’s by the U of M, downtown. Anyway, I could tell this dude was totally tanked, and I figured I could take him if he tried to pull any douchey shit…unless he pulled out a knife or something, then I would have been fucked...but anyway, I digress. So we start chatting a bit as I walk away towards my car and he launched into this monologue about how no two people are the same and about how his stepfather thought he could “stick his twinkie in him” and how he stabbed him and he got put in a juvenile detention center for five years.

H2: I don’t like you pallin’ around with these people. You worry me.

H: I’ll pall around with whom ever I please, thank you very much. But thanks for your concern snookie-ookums.

H2: Any time hunny-bunny.

A: Well muffin,

H: Muffin??!

A: Sorry, I’m new at this. Anyway, pumpkin,

H2: What’s with the food names?

A: Anyway, slut puppy ass clown cock sucker,

H: Excuse me?!

A: I’m sorry, I meant cock and/or cunt sucker,

H: Thank you.

A: (shakes head and sighs with sarcastic annoyance) Now, as I was trying to say before I was rudely interrupted, who’s gonna take care of your cats when some crack head guns you down in the alley while you’re fucking some dude in the dumpster behind your apartment?!

H: Not in the dumpster. By the dumpster. God. Don’t you ever listen? And that only happened once…although I think I may have developed a fetish. But it was funny, cause I had been reading this cheesy romance novel where the heroine said to her lover, "I want you right here, right now, on this piano," and so I substituted dumpster for piano. Besides, I like a little humor with my awkward, mediocre sex in dark, dingy alleys.

A: God you’re weird.

H: More than you know, ass fuck douche cunt dick wad. More than you know.

A: Wow, somebody took her bitch pills this morning!

H: (whines like little child) Holly, Alex insinuated that I was a bitch.

H2: Alex, did you insinuate that Hannah is a bad word? Shame on you, you naughty, naughty boy. You’re gonna have to be punished.

H: Brutally.

A: I hope there’s a whip of some sort involved.